Sunday 11th

Downbuzz day.

This morning my brother went out with my nana, and my parents went out to lunch. They invited me, but as I was going to get ready it was revealed that Paul and Sharon would be there. TBH i dont like them. And they dont like me. Consequently, i didnt go. Couldnt stand sitting there for hours listening to how 'Wade did this' and 'Wade did that' and 'Georgia you should be doing this' and 'why cant you..' rah rah rah. Im not good enough for them. Im too boring and stuck up. But whatevs.

So then i kinda got stuck on a downbuzz. Really couldnt help it. Felt a bit like Cinderella, stuck at home to clean up everyone elses mess that they didnt have time to see to, answer the phone and take messages. Thought a lot, about Auckland. About Christchurch. About my friends, my family, and my pony.
Auckland. Pretty much been home for the past 18 years. Never thought i'd ever be able to live anywhere else. But now Im reconsidering.
Auckland has nothing anymore. Nothing that somewhere else doesnt have. Somewhere like Chch, for example. I've never wanted to leave here. I have my school friends, my rider friends, my shore whores and everyone else who doesnt fit into that category. And my family. They're all in Auckland.
It was the people who kept me here, but now reality seems to be sinking in. Shore whores. They're awesome. But they're so heavily involved in a world that i dont want to be in. I want out, but theyr so far in, they cant seem to leave with me. So i feel its coming down to staying with them, and the drugs, alcohol, slutting and lack of values and morals... Or leave everything behind, including them. Are they worth it? Compromising my values, my morals just to spend time with them? honestly, I dont think they are anymore. Theres definately a line, a boundary. And that was crossed so long ago. Personally, i want out.

Then theres the school friends. I love them all to death. They're definately some of the most amazing people I've ever met. But this is my last year with them. We're about to start term 3. THREE!! That means we have this term, which includes mock exams, and a tiny bit of next term before we leave. And we must all start our own lives. It seems a nice idea to think that everyone from school will stay friends forever. But really, is that ever going to happen? Perhaps a few will keep in contact, but for the majority, probably not. Everyone will get so caught up in their tertiary studies, travel, relationships and new lives, it will be a struggle to keep up with everyone. I realised this morning that its not long before I will likely lose most of these people, and have to move on.

Rider friends. Been through so much with most of these people. Sharing such a strong passion brings people together, yet tears them apart just the same. Differing of opinions, competition, etc etc. All difficulties that have to be gotten over to get along. I know lots of the friends i have made in the equine industry i wont always stay in contact with. But i also feel that being such a close community, I'll never completely lose touch. Someone will always know someone who knows that person. Its like wherever I am, whatever Im doing, as long as Im talking to someone 'horsey', I'll find someone who knows of the people I once rode with.

My family. I love them. I think. Kinda feel as though i say that because i have to. They buy me stuff. Thats what i like. thats what my relationship with them is based upon. the money.
I dont talk to my brother. At all. Cant stand him. At all.
My parents and i have nothing in common. And as much as i would love them to ride with me, take a step into my world, im scared to. I know that horses can be dangerous, and I feel way too protective over them to put them in such a situation.
Theres the cars, that my dad and I are both interested in. But i find more often than not, he takes my brother to events and such. I dont really fit in with their crowd. I never get taken seriously as a little blonde girl, with acrylic nails, designer clothing, and a 'pony' taking an interest in a world dominated so heavily by men. Older men especially, as they can afford the old classics. The Cadillacs, the pontiacs, etc etc. And the luxury cars. The mercs, the bentleys, and so on and so forth.
I so often find myself the one who gets left out a lot. Idk if its true, or if im just being pathetic. But its a regular occurance for my family to go out, as a family, for lunch, or to somewhere fun and not even tell me theyr leaving. That kinda hurts. A lot.

Then theres my pony. Mack. MAAAACCCKKKK!!!! <3 i loves him. Which poses the question..  to sell, or to keep? Hes awesome. Had a blast at the beach with him yesterday, such a fantabulous ride. Definately felt it this morning, paired up with my drunken fail from last night. =P Anyway, todays pony thought... wtf am i doing with him?! I could sell him. That gives me the money and frees up a lot of time and responsibilty. But that would kill me. And I fear it would end in regret. Like Regii, like Target. Or I could lease him out. Long term. In Auckland, or in Chch, depending on how the rest of this year goes. Then I still own him, but dont have the ongoing costs and responsibility and can get him back when i have my own life settled. That leaves open the possibilty however that I would get him back at an inconvenient time due to problems, which would cause more problems. Idk. i.dont.know.  at all.

So yeah.. pretty much my train of thoughts for today. I feel bad for David having to put up with it. Poor thing!
Bit of a heavy blog, but deffo feel much better.
Byee bloggers!
xxxxxx